I Promise me

I will not allow anyone to take me for granted.

I will never forget how important I am to Me.

I will never underestimate me.

I will not allow anyone to hurt me beyond repair.

I will let go of the past, because the past is never gonna happen again. It’s over. It’s gone.

I will live in the present only. The future’s too far off and too unpredictable to depend on.

I will learn how to say No.

I will never say no to love. Love is the only healing power.

I will never depend entirely on anyone, except God and me. I know together we’re an awesome team.

I will value every smile I smile.

I will never waste my tears. I’ve learnt how precious they are and how irresponsibly I’ve used them.

I will thank the Universe for everything that it’s given me. The good and the Bad. It’s me who’s asked for them, and the universe has given it.

I will not blame anyone else for my pain. I allowed myself to hurt.

I will never break a promise. I’ve experienced the pain of broken promises.

I will do whatever makes me happy. If the world doesn’t like it, too bad. It’s my life, not theirs.

I will be a Princess. And I will have a Happily Ever After with my Prince.

Free.

A thousand, maybe more, memories swirl in my head as I think back. I think of nothing in particular, nothing in general. I just think of life so far. And I’m awestruck at how I’ve changed.

One thing that always remained constant though was my fear of what lay ahead. The fear of getting hurt; the fear of having nobody; the fear of losing; the fear of being better but not the best…The fear of the future.

But suddenly, it’s gone. I’ll be lying if I say I don’t think of the future. I do. But I’m not scared anymore.

I don’t know whether it’s the loss of love or the gain of a new love, but one of them has taught me to live in the Now. To live for the Now.

My Life at the mo:
I don’t have a full-time job.

I’m 23 (almost) and am asking dad for dough. Heck, I didn’t do that when I was 16!

My savings are nothing to boast of!

I still don’t have that glass closet of heels, flats, pumps.

I’m running out of clothes.

I haven’t joined belly dancing.

I haven’t joined horse riding.

I don’t want to move to Bombay.

Pune doesn’t really have too many options for me.

I (still) can’t cook, except for chocolate mousse!

I sleep a lot through the day!

The only day I really, really, really look forward to and am wide awake for is Wednesday.

But everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, I smile.

:)

It's love. That’s it! I just know that’s it. For me, Love has always taken first place. But Love, as I’ve known it before, has made me fear, has made me pine, has given me pain, has made me cry. Love, as I’ve known it before, has made me worry about that love not being there anymore.

But not now. Love, as I know it now, makes me smile, makes me blush, makes me shy, makes me thankful, makes me satisfied,makes me love myself. Love, as I know it now, sets me free.

I’m not scared anymore. The constant fear has left me. Coz I know, whatever happens, love will always find me, love will always be there.

Being in love had always been a weakness. I like the use of ‘had’ in that sentence :), coz now, being in love… in love with him…is my strongest strength.

It’s crazy love, right love, happy love :) It’s one-of-a-kind love :) It’s the Him-n-Me love :) :) :)

Find: Happy

Her eyes stare out at me,
The desperation is clear for all to see,
The love has gone,
But in her, there’s another storm,
‘What will the world say?’ she asks,
And slowly, again, she crawls behind the mask.

Just what will the world say?
The world will question,
The world will talk about her stray.
People will give her the eye,
They’ll bring her down to her knees, make her cry.
She’ll hear taunts, she’ll hear rumours,
She’ll realize who was never hers.
They’ll rip her life, year by year,
Give her pain so severe…
She knows, she’s scared,
So she won’t ever dare,
To take that step, to be free,
To give herself the chance to experience ‘Happy’…

I tell her to live for today,
For yesterday’s gone, and tomorrow’s only a ‘may’,
They won’t give her happiness,
And so she’ll miss,
Her chance to feel, her chance to be,
Her chance to find out what is ‘Happy’…

I tell her to cut the string,
To throw the ring,
To, at her own behest,
Never settle for second best…

I tell her to realize,
That no one will stop her cries,
Except for her.

I want her to know,
When bad is over, there’s good ALWAYS in store.
Life has started, and life will end,
But in between, life gives the chance to amend,
She should grab it and slay the fear,
Of a new beginning, of finding another dear,
Only then, will she know and see,
Just what really is ‘Happy’…

I want her to look the world in the eye,
Without a flinch, without a sigh,
She doesn’t need them to reprove,
What only matters is that her heart approves,
Coz the world’s not gonna set her soul free,
Coz that will be,
Only when she gets back ‘Happy’.

Life will give you chances aplenty,
To know, to realize, to find and to keep ‘Happy’.
Take the chance before life passes you by,
For down the line, you’ll be asking, ‘Why didn’t I?’

My Miracle :)

Sometimes it takes miracles to believe again. For me, it just took him :)

I look out at people rushing through their lives; I watch the trees sway to the tunes of the breeze; I hear the birds chirp in myriad manners; and I feel the air envelop me.

I smile.

And think.

‘They can never make me as happy as he.” :)


Years before, I was asked, ‘Just what do you want?’

‘I want it to be perfect,’ I said.

‘It can never be,’ I was told, and rightly so, it never was.

Years later, again I was asked, ‘Just what do you want?’

‘I want it to be perfect,’ I said again.

‘That doesn’t exist,’ I was told.

I paused. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………
……………………………
………………………
…………………

‘Maybe you’re right,’ I whispered.

But no, they were wrong! Perfect can be, and Perfect does exist. I know. Because it’s mine. :))

I’ve had miracles happen in my life. But this one, is like God showing off.

My miracle has eyes that only notice me,
Lips that only want to touch mine,
A smile that fills me with happiness,
A touch that makes me long for its caress…

My miracle cares,
My miracle is aware,
Of how I feel inside,
My miracle makes me confide…

My miracle completes me,
My miracle makes me whole,
My miracle makes me lose track of time,
My miracle is only mine. :)

My miracle makes me want to love,
My miracle makes me believe in the One above,
My miracle makes me want to value, cherish and give,
My miracle makes me want to live…



He’s perfect. We’re perfect, together.

I have no regrets now of all the ill-fittings I’ve been through, because I’ve finally found what was made for me and it fits Perfect to the T. :)

Brighter Than Sunshine

I never saw it happening,
I’d given up on giving in,
I couldn’t take the hurt again… (Brighter Than Sunshine – Aqualung)

But, I can. Truly, honestly, with a smile, I could look into his eyes and tell him it’s worth the risk. :)

For a while, I actually had myself convinced that this was it. My love hadn’t survived, and I’d be stuck there in that damp and dark corner for the rest of my years. That I’d wake up and wonder if the day would be bad or the night would be worse. That my stomach would always have that dirty, empty feel. That my heart would ache with every goddamned breath.
Yeah, I actually had myself convinced that my life was over.

Being in love is no big deal. It happens to everyone all the time. But I’d (fortunately or unfortunately) been struck with that one arrow of mixed potions: True love, Real Love, Crazy Love and Forever Love. Now this love happens only once in a lifetime. It felt better than anything I’ve known, but it gave pain worse than anything I’ve ever felt before.

I spent nights crying over someone who probably will never know what that pain felt like. I spent days wishing for something that I knew would never happen. I prayed for hours to be able to turn back time. I stared at the blank walls willing away old memories. I’d go to bed hoping I wouldn’t see daylight again. And I’d pass the day dreading the approaching night.

But then, the wounds began to heal. Weakness slowly turned to strength. Strength that I’d never guessed I had.

My smile came back.

I don’t understand the words “getting over someone…”; I just know that my healing process is complete. The memories will always be there. The True Love, Real Love, Crazy Love, Forever Love potion will always live inside me.

There will be times when I’ll want to cry. There will be times when I’ll wonder, “Why?”

But, that’s alright.
Coz when I think of ‘now’, I think of new love :) I have no clue if it’s Real Love, True Love, Crazy Love or Forever Love…but I know it’s ‘Right’ Love – something I’ve always wanted but never had. It makes me smile. He makes me smile…and smile and smile. :)

Love is blushing at the mention of his name. Love is missing him the instant he turns his back after goodbye. Love is kissing him with a feeling that has to be love (!) Love is looking into the mirror a dozen times just to make sure I’m pretty enough for him. Love is about trusting him, and trusting in him. Love is about holding him close and dancing like noone’s watching. Love is saying I love you over and over in my head, thinking (hoping) maybe he’s saying it too…
Heck, Love is even saying ‘Mastiff’ at the same freaking instant. :D

For the whole of last year, I thought I’d shut the door permanently, I thought I’d lost me. But, he found me. He’s turned my world around. He’s made it Brighter Than Sunshine. :)

Happy New Year

I remember... 2008, 12.01 am. The crowd was cheering. There were hugs, kisses and New Year wishes. I slowly pushed my way through, and walked out. I hugged, I kissed, I wished, I loved.

It seems like yesterday. Like a moment ago. I can still feel the happiness within me. The happiness that love brings with it.

The year flew by. I flew away.

There were months of tears and smiles; of walks and drives; of work and books; of fashion and food; of friends, true friends, and fun; of fights, some never undone…

There were months of ‘Miss Yous’, of ‘Come Back Soon’.

There were months of unsent mails, of wishes in vain.

There were months of addition and deletion, of obsession and infatuation.

There were months of wine and movies, of GTalk and Facebook newbies.

There were months and months of life packed in, in just one year...

Emotions left and returned, the calendar repeatedly turned. The clock ticked on. Dusks changed to dawns. The sun rose and set beyond the freckled hills, and yet in my eyes time stood still…

I look at the date and it says 04-01-2009. And I wonder how…How life has moved on when my heart has remained as unchanged as time…

…Coz, it all seems like yesterday. Like a moment ago. I can still feel the happiness within me. The happiness that love brings with it…

Around the world in 60 seconds!

The mind’s become quite the wanderer. It’s been travelling rapidly, and in an unorderly, non-sequential fashion, around the world!

It sometimes drops in at an Irish pub – loud, live music, funny cackles, clinking of alcohol glasses! Or then it takes a walk along the pretty countryside – pristine and green!

It also hops to Paris and breathes in the romance and enjoys the brightly lit evening sky. It stands at the foothills of the Alps, and looks around with unbelieving awe – ‘I’m actually here’!

It travels through the London streets, and smiles at the undependable weather!

It wades along the canals of Venice, It takes in the beauty of Greece, It surrounds itself with the wonders of Turkey and It lazes in the sun of Bali.

It strolls through the vineyards of Western Australia, the lushness of the Reef.

It admires the beauty of Zealand, and tries fathoming the might of the Mafia in Sicily.

It also sits in darshan lines at Puttaparthi, appreciative of the Divine Grace of seeing its Creator in the physical form, and then it also experiences the sheer love and joy of Pune, coz that’s home.

Oh, it travels wondrously to and fro, here and there, imagining and creating sights as it moves.

And when it settles down, it makes me smile. And I think in the thinking space of my wandering mind, that someday, very soon, we’ll take a trip together :)

My Dear Sai

This is for my Guru, my God, my Everything...

If you’re lost, you can look,
And you will find me,
Time after Time…

If you fall, I will catch you,
I will be waiting,
Time after Time…
(Cyndi Lauper)


Her lips were stained cherry,
Her eyes as black as the moonless night,
Her hair awry,
And her bosom heaving with the heaviness of her plight.

She squinted in the darkness,
There wasn’t a soul to grasp her extended hand,
Again the rush of fear filled her with its furious sharpness,
As she realised she was in No-Man’s Land.

Threatening evil sparks flitted across,
She shuddered as she saw,
They burned like fire and cut like frost,
There was no escaping their law.

One said, “I’m your anger, you’ve made me breed’,
Another said, ‘I’ll hurt you, for I’m your greed,’
One commanded, ‘I’m your Desire, give me my due’,
And yet another evilly whispered, ‘I’m your Ego; I’ll destroy you.’

She screamed, she scrambled,
But they chased at her heel,
Her mind was mangled,
Her head began to reel.

Then suddenly, a flash of brilliant colour,
In an instant the throbbing fear seemed duller,
For before her He stood,
And a voice told her, ‘If someone could protect you, only He could and only He would.’

She fell at His Lotus Feet,
And saw Love pour forth from His eyes,
The love of the Sun and its Light,
Of the Mountains and their Might,
Of a Mother and the Baby at her umbilical cord,
Of the Universe and its Lord.

‘Save me,’ she cried,
He touched her face, and her tears miraculously dried,
Her evil followers cowered in fear,
As He took a step near.

‘They’re gone,’ He gently spoke to bring her calm,
His words were a Promise, his sweet voice a balm.
‘Who are you?’ she softly questioned,
He smiled and his hands beckoned.

She walked with Him into His world,
A world where peace danced, and Love swirled,
Where each existing atom bowed in reverence,
Where only bliss reigned, with no interference.

There was no rich or poor,
There was no evil wrongdoer.
There was no hatred or hurt,
There was no evil, no dirt.

‘Where am I?’ she quietly stopped a bowing passer-by,
‘Why, dear child! Don’t you know you’re in the world of Sathya Sai?
He walks with you now,
That’s a sign of his unbreakable vow,
That He’ll always be beside you,
Through troubles - the nagging old ones and the new,
You called out to him surely,
And He pulled you out of your fear and misery,
Have faith in Him and surrender your life,
For noone but He knows best how to protect you from strife…’

She listened, awestruck and blessed,
She knelt, kissed His hand, and her eyes said the rest,
He smiled – first ripples, then waves of love filled her heart,
She cried with indescribable joy and said, ‘Sai, from you I never wish to be apart.’

He said, ‘I will protect you and show you the way,
I have always waited for you…, for this day,
When you would reach out for me,
In true humility,
I have waited for you to sacrifice your anger, greed, desire and ego,
And long for only love to let your soul grow.
The world is just a playground,
Till the right path is found,
As there is no ‘Many’, there is only ‘One’,
And if you realise that, then you have won.
You, My child, have to know that in your heart,
We were always One right from the start,
Distractions hid the truth from you,
But now you have found Me again, and started anew.
Go back into your world now,
And I will endow,
Strength and Love,
So you may show the rest how to rise above.’

‘Thank you, Dear Sai,
I was lost and naive,
But I will now tread on Your road,
And walk a stride that I’ve never till now strode,
For I now have the grace and love of the highest accord,
Coz You, Dear Sai, are now my mother, my father, my guru, my God.’

What this girl wants :)

It’s a little after 12 midnight. I’ve been staring at my computer screen for the last half hour. Not that I have anything to complain about – I have my favouritest soul on my wallpaper – Mowgli :) but yea, coming to the point, I’ve just stared at the screen as one day came to an end, and the next day began. And strangely, nothing seemed different.

I mean, you have people blahing about ‘It’s a new day, a new beginning’ [Yes, I’ve done it too on GTalk (!!!)], but ultimately, it’s just the most clichéd pep-me-up line we resort to.

Anyway, so as I watched the clock needle touch 12 and go past it, I had the most craziest, insanest but keenest desire for something to happen! For the new day to show some sign of arrival, or the old day to show some sign of goodbye.

(Sighing) But, alas, there’s no chance of a miracle tale here or a ‘wish being granted’ story. Point is, Nothing happened. The only teeniest difference is that I’m staring at this word document and the keyboard alternately. Mowgli’s not in the current picture.

Yea, that’s the only difference. Rest is the same. The thoughts are the same. The expression is the same. The restlessness is the same.

‘What is it that I truly want?’ I narrow my brows and ask myself. I’ve been doing a lot of this forehead-frowning lately, expecting the pressure on my third eye to somehow give out the answer.

I’ve even become friends with the ‘imaginary friend’ that we all have but resort to only at times like these, when sanity seems on the brink of rolling onto the other side! No, I’m not going insane, but because of the hundred thoughts-dreams-wishes in my mind, I can’t think straight sometimes.

So coming back to my imaginary friend – I call him ‘N’. Yes, he’s a ‘him’, and yes, his name starts with ‘N’.

So, N and I go off on these day dreams – and we take off without warning. Whether a friend is narrating a seemingly interesting story, or we girls are in the midst of our boy-bashing activity or I’m writing down my random thoughts – none of these matter. I just zone out, and travel to my dreams with N. (I know you’re sure I’m insane now, but honestly, I thoroughly enjoy these trips).

The dreams are perfect, even though the most brilliantly happy ones have ticked the ‘Never-come-true’ option in reality! There’s music, there’s drama, there’s joy, there’s happiness, there are smiles, there are happy tears, there’s love, and there’s ‘forever’, just like in those misleading Happily-Ever-After tales I’ve already had a go at!

And when I zone back in to what we call reality, I shake my head in amazement at what the heart can drive silly 22-year-old girls like me to do!

Yes, the heart… Even though broken into a thousand pieces, each piece still finds hope through the pain; each piece radiates joy through the sorrow; and each piece still loves with all that it’s got!

And that hope-joy-love is just what I experience when in zone-out mode.

It just struck me that maybe I’ve answered my question – ‘What do I truly want?’ – The answer has got to be hope, joy and love – not in my dream world, not in my fairytale land – but in my real world: In this world, where I’m sitting in front of my computer and staring at this word document and keyboard alternately.

Today, I read somewhere that Love is the power you give someone to completely destroy you, yet trust them not to…

When I think about it, I know I gave love and the power of love. I got hurt – I’m left with stubborn wounds and a broken heart – but beneath all the world’s ‘pep-me-up’ lines (trust me when I say I’ve armed myself with ALL of them!), I still miraculously love; and I still miraculously trust.

That said, it’s half past 12, and nothing’s changed.

I never thought I’ll ever give up on something I believed in so completely. ‘Us’.

I never imagined that a day would come when I would sit up and realise that what I’ve been holding on to was gone.

And it happened out of the blue, suddenly, just as a random, deep truth.

Well, not exactly out of the blue, and not exactly random.

The signs have been there, some subtle, some right in my face, but the stubborn me that I am, I’ve ignored them. I’ve ignored the fact that I knew the end had come. I’ve ignored the fact that maybe it had ended a long, long time ago.

When two people make promises, they do (atleast I have) intend keeping them. I’ve promised to hold on. I’ve promised ‘now & forever’. But in the end, does it matter? Does any of it matter, when all that’s left is hurt?

Someone said to me the other day– ‘To tell you to forget is foolishness on my part, but all I can say is treasure the memories and move on’.

How do I explain it’s those very memories that hold me back, pull me back and refuse to let go? How do I explain that I’ve lived the last many, many days just on those memories?

But then, truth is, memories are, after all, just memories – vivid pictures in your mind of things that ‘were’…

Someone asked me the other day: ‘Why write and let the world know?’

How do I explain that words are all I have to comfort me? How do I explain that I’m too scared to say all I want to say to the other half of the ‘us’ I believed in? Nothing matters on the other side...There’s no ‘us’, there’s no ‘we’, there’s no ‘forever’. Knowing that, I write, to pen down what’s within, to express the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, in the only way I can…

Someone joked with me the other day – ‘Look at your face! Life is over, Oh My God!’

I smiled, because I had actually believed life was over. But truth is, I’m still breathing, and my heart is still beating. Yes, there’s a lot of pain, but the wise have said ‘Time is the best healer’ and I’m going to let Time do its job.

The last many months have been like a turbulent plane journey for me. Only now, when I’ve opened my eyes, looked at the broken pieces around me, have I realised that the journey has ended. The plane has crashed. And I’ve survived it all.