It’s a little after 12 midnight. I’ve been staring at my computer screen for the last half hour. Not that I have anything to complain about – I have my favouritest soul on my wallpaper – Mowgli :) but yea, coming to the point, I’ve just stared at the screen as one day came to an end, and the next day began. And strangely, nothing seemed different.
I mean, you have people blahing about ‘It’s a new day, a new beginning’ [Yes, I’ve done it too on GTalk (!!!)], but ultimately, it’s just the most clichéd pep-me-up line we resort to.
Anyway, so as I watched the clock needle touch 12 and go past it, I had the most craziest, insanest but keenest desire for something to happen! For the new day to show some sign of arrival, or the old day to show some sign of goodbye.
(Sighing) But, alas, there’s no chance of a miracle tale here or a ‘wish being granted’ story. Point is, Nothing happened. The only teeniest difference is that I’m staring at this word document and the keyboard alternately. Mowgli’s not in the current picture.
Yea, that’s the only difference. Rest is the same. The thoughts are the same. The expression is the same. The restlessness is the same.
‘What is it that I truly want?’ I narrow my brows and ask myself. I’ve been doing a lot of this forehead-frowning lately, expecting the pressure on my third eye to somehow give out the answer.
I’ve even become friends with the ‘imaginary friend’ that we all have but resort to only at times like these, when sanity seems on the brink of rolling onto the other side! No, I’m not going insane, but because of the hundred thoughts-dreams-wishes in my mind, I can’t think straight sometimes.
So coming back to my imaginary friend – I call him ‘N’. Yes, he’s a ‘him’, and yes, his name starts with ‘N’.
So, N and I go off on these day dreams – and we take off without warning. Whether a friend is narrating a seemingly interesting story, or we girls are in the midst of our boy-bashing activity or I’m writing down my random thoughts – none of these matter. I just zone out, and travel to my dreams with N. (I know you’re sure I’m insane now, but honestly, I thoroughly enjoy these trips).
The dreams are perfect, even though the most brilliantly happy ones have ticked the ‘Never-come-true’ option in reality! There’s music, there’s drama, there’s joy, there’s happiness, there are smiles, there are happy tears, there’s love, and there’s ‘forever’, just like in those misleading Happily-Ever-After tales I’ve already had a go at!
And when I zone back in to what we call reality, I shake my head in amazement at what the heart can drive silly 22-year-old girls like me to do!
Yes, the heart… Even though broken into a thousand pieces, each piece still finds hope through the pain; each piece radiates joy through the sorrow; and each piece still loves with all that it’s got!
And that hope-joy-love is just what I experience when in zone-out mode.
It just struck me that maybe I’ve answered my question – ‘What do I truly want?’ – The answer has got to be hope, joy and love – not in my dream world, not in my fairytale land – but in my real world: In this world, where I’m sitting in front of my computer and staring at this word document and keyboard alternately.
Today, I read somewhere that Love is the power you give someone to completely destroy you, yet trust them not to…
When I think about it, I know I gave love and the power of love. I got hurt – I’m left with stubborn wounds and a broken heart – but beneath all the world’s ‘pep-me-up’ lines (trust me when I say I’ve armed myself with ALL of them!), I still miraculously love; and I still miraculously trust.
That said, it’s half past 12, and nothing’s changed.
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