My Dear Sai

This is for my Guru, my God, my Everything...

If you’re lost, you can look,
And you will find me,
Time after Time…

If you fall, I will catch you,
I will be waiting,
Time after Time…
(Cyndi Lauper)


Her lips were stained cherry,
Her eyes as black as the moonless night,
Her hair awry,
And her bosom heaving with the heaviness of her plight.

She squinted in the darkness,
There wasn’t a soul to grasp her extended hand,
Again the rush of fear filled her with its furious sharpness,
As she realised she was in No-Man’s Land.

Threatening evil sparks flitted across,
She shuddered as she saw,
They burned like fire and cut like frost,
There was no escaping their law.

One said, “I’m your anger, you’ve made me breed’,
Another said, ‘I’ll hurt you, for I’m your greed,’
One commanded, ‘I’m your Desire, give me my due’,
And yet another evilly whispered, ‘I’m your Ego; I’ll destroy you.’

She screamed, she scrambled,
But they chased at her heel,
Her mind was mangled,
Her head began to reel.

Then suddenly, a flash of brilliant colour,
In an instant the throbbing fear seemed duller,
For before her He stood,
And a voice told her, ‘If someone could protect you, only He could and only He would.’

She fell at His Lotus Feet,
And saw Love pour forth from His eyes,
The love of the Sun and its Light,
Of the Mountains and their Might,
Of a Mother and the Baby at her umbilical cord,
Of the Universe and its Lord.

‘Save me,’ she cried,
He touched her face, and her tears miraculously dried,
Her evil followers cowered in fear,
As He took a step near.

‘They’re gone,’ He gently spoke to bring her calm,
His words were a Promise, his sweet voice a balm.
‘Who are you?’ she softly questioned,
He smiled and his hands beckoned.

She walked with Him into His world,
A world where peace danced, and Love swirled,
Where each existing atom bowed in reverence,
Where only bliss reigned, with no interference.

There was no rich or poor,
There was no evil wrongdoer.
There was no hatred or hurt,
There was no evil, no dirt.

‘Where am I?’ she quietly stopped a bowing passer-by,
‘Why, dear child! Don’t you know you’re in the world of Sathya Sai?
He walks with you now,
That’s a sign of his unbreakable vow,
That He’ll always be beside you,
Through troubles - the nagging old ones and the new,
You called out to him surely,
And He pulled you out of your fear and misery,
Have faith in Him and surrender your life,
For noone but He knows best how to protect you from strife…’

She listened, awestruck and blessed,
She knelt, kissed His hand, and her eyes said the rest,
He smiled – first ripples, then waves of love filled her heart,
She cried with indescribable joy and said, ‘Sai, from you I never wish to be apart.’

He said, ‘I will protect you and show you the way,
I have always waited for you…, for this day,
When you would reach out for me,
In true humility,
I have waited for you to sacrifice your anger, greed, desire and ego,
And long for only love to let your soul grow.
The world is just a playground,
Till the right path is found,
As there is no ‘Many’, there is only ‘One’,
And if you realise that, then you have won.
You, My child, have to know that in your heart,
We were always One right from the start,
Distractions hid the truth from you,
But now you have found Me again, and started anew.
Go back into your world now,
And I will endow,
Strength and Love,
So you may show the rest how to rise above.’

‘Thank you, Dear Sai,
I was lost and naive,
But I will now tread on Your road,
And walk a stride that I’ve never till now strode,
For I now have the grace and love of the highest accord,
Coz You, Dear Sai, are now my mother, my father, my guru, my God.’

What this girl wants :)

It’s a little after 12 midnight. I’ve been staring at my computer screen for the last half hour. Not that I have anything to complain about – I have my favouritest soul on my wallpaper – Mowgli :) but yea, coming to the point, I’ve just stared at the screen as one day came to an end, and the next day began. And strangely, nothing seemed different.

I mean, you have people blahing about ‘It’s a new day, a new beginning’ [Yes, I’ve done it too on GTalk (!!!)], but ultimately, it’s just the most clichéd pep-me-up line we resort to.

Anyway, so as I watched the clock needle touch 12 and go past it, I had the most craziest, insanest but keenest desire for something to happen! For the new day to show some sign of arrival, or the old day to show some sign of goodbye.

(Sighing) But, alas, there’s no chance of a miracle tale here or a ‘wish being granted’ story. Point is, Nothing happened. The only teeniest difference is that I’m staring at this word document and the keyboard alternately. Mowgli’s not in the current picture.

Yea, that’s the only difference. Rest is the same. The thoughts are the same. The expression is the same. The restlessness is the same.

‘What is it that I truly want?’ I narrow my brows and ask myself. I’ve been doing a lot of this forehead-frowning lately, expecting the pressure on my third eye to somehow give out the answer.

I’ve even become friends with the ‘imaginary friend’ that we all have but resort to only at times like these, when sanity seems on the brink of rolling onto the other side! No, I’m not going insane, but because of the hundred thoughts-dreams-wishes in my mind, I can’t think straight sometimes.

So coming back to my imaginary friend – I call him ‘N’. Yes, he’s a ‘him’, and yes, his name starts with ‘N’.

So, N and I go off on these day dreams – and we take off without warning. Whether a friend is narrating a seemingly interesting story, or we girls are in the midst of our boy-bashing activity or I’m writing down my random thoughts – none of these matter. I just zone out, and travel to my dreams with N. (I know you’re sure I’m insane now, but honestly, I thoroughly enjoy these trips).

The dreams are perfect, even though the most brilliantly happy ones have ticked the ‘Never-come-true’ option in reality! There’s music, there’s drama, there’s joy, there’s happiness, there are smiles, there are happy tears, there’s love, and there’s ‘forever’, just like in those misleading Happily-Ever-After tales I’ve already had a go at!

And when I zone back in to what we call reality, I shake my head in amazement at what the heart can drive silly 22-year-old girls like me to do!

Yes, the heart… Even though broken into a thousand pieces, each piece still finds hope through the pain; each piece radiates joy through the sorrow; and each piece still loves with all that it’s got!

And that hope-joy-love is just what I experience when in zone-out mode.

It just struck me that maybe I’ve answered my question – ‘What do I truly want?’ – The answer has got to be hope, joy and love – not in my dream world, not in my fairytale land – but in my real world: In this world, where I’m sitting in front of my computer and staring at this word document and keyboard alternately.

Today, I read somewhere that Love is the power you give someone to completely destroy you, yet trust them not to…

When I think about it, I know I gave love and the power of love. I got hurt – I’m left with stubborn wounds and a broken heart – but beneath all the world’s ‘pep-me-up’ lines (trust me when I say I’ve armed myself with ALL of them!), I still miraculously love; and I still miraculously trust.

That said, it’s half past 12, and nothing’s changed.

I never thought I’ll ever give up on something I believed in so completely. ‘Us’.

I never imagined that a day would come when I would sit up and realise that what I’ve been holding on to was gone.

And it happened out of the blue, suddenly, just as a random, deep truth.

Well, not exactly out of the blue, and not exactly random.

The signs have been there, some subtle, some right in my face, but the stubborn me that I am, I’ve ignored them. I’ve ignored the fact that I knew the end had come. I’ve ignored the fact that maybe it had ended a long, long time ago.

When two people make promises, they do (atleast I have) intend keeping them. I’ve promised to hold on. I’ve promised ‘now & forever’. But in the end, does it matter? Does any of it matter, when all that’s left is hurt?

Someone said to me the other day– ‘To tell you to forget is foolishness on my part, but all I can say is treasure the memories and move on’.

How do I explain it’s those very memories that hold me back, pull me back and refuse to let go? How do I explain that I’ve lived the last many, many days just on those memories?

But then, truth is, memories are, after all, just memories – vivid pictures in your mind of things that ‘were’…

Someone asked me the other day: ‘Why write and let the world know?’

How do I explain that words are all I have to comfort me? How do I explain that I’m too scared to say all I want to say to the other half of the ‘us’ I believed in? Nothing matters on the other side...There’s no ‘us’, there’s no ‘we’, there’s no ‘forever’. Knowing that, I write, to pen down what’s within, to express the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, in the only way I can…

Someone joked with me the other day – ‘Look at your face! Life is over, Oh My God!’

I smiled, because I had actually believed life was over. But truth is, I’m still breathing, and my heart is still beating. Yes, there’s a lot of pain, but the wise have said ‘Time is the best healer’ and I’m going to let Time do its job.

The last many months have been like a turbulent plane journey for me. Only now, when I’ve opened my eyes, looked at the broken pieces around me, have I realised that the journey has ended. The plane has crashed. And I’ve survived it all.