I never saw it happening,
I’d given up on giving in,
I couldn’t take the hurt again… (Brighter Than Sunshine – Aqualung)
But, I can. Truly, honestly, with a smile, I could look into his eyes and tell him it’s worth the risk. :)
For a while, I actually had myself convinced that this was it. My love hadn’t survived, and I’d be stuck there in that damp and dark corner for the rest of my years. That I’d wake up and wonder if the day would be bad or the night would be worse. That my stomach would always have that dirty, empty feel. That my heart would ache with every goddamned breath.
Yeah, I actually had myself convinced that my life was over.
Being in love is no big deal. It happens to everyone all the time. But I’d (fortunately or unfortunately) been struck with that one arrow of mixed potions: True love, Real Love, Crazy Love and Forever Love. Now this love happens only once in a lifetime. It felt better than anything I’ve known, but it gave pain worse than anything I’ve ever felt before.
I spent nights crying over someone who probably will never know what that pain felt like. I spent days wishing for something that I knew would never happen. I prayed for hours to be able to turn back time. I stared at the blank walls willing away old memories. I’d go to bed hoping I wouldn’t see daylight again. And I’d pass the day dreading the approaching night.
But then, the wounds began to heal. Weakness slowly turned to strength. Strength that I’d never guessed I had.
My smile came back.
I don’t understand the words “getting over someone…”; I just know that my healing process is complete. The memories will always be there. The True Love, Real Love, Crazy Love, Forever Love potion will always live inside me.
There will be times when I’ll want to cry. There will be times when I’ll wonder, “Why?”
But, that’s alright.
Coz when I think of ‘now’, I think of new love :) I have no clue if it’s Real Love, True Love, Crazy Love or Forever Love…but I know it’s ‘Right’ Love – something I’ve always wanted but never had. It makes me smile. He makes me smile…and smile and smile. :)
Love is blushing at the mention of his name. Love is missing him the instant he turns his back after goodbye. Love is kissing him with a feeling that has to be love (!) Love is looking into the mirror a dozen times just to make sure I’m pretty enough for him. Love is about trusting him, and trusting in him. Love is about holding him close and dancing like noone’s watching. Love is saying I love you over and over in my head, thinking (hoping) maybe he’s saying it too…
Heck, Love is even saying ‘Mastiff’ at the same freaking instant. :D
For the whole of last year, I thought I’d shut the door permanently, I thought I’d lost me. But, he found me. He’s turned my world around. He’s made it Brighter Than Sunshine. :)
